I thought all day..

Quite a long time ago now, Friday nights used to be 'release nights' for me. Nowadays, even 3 champagnes and lots of white wine don't cut it much. But cheap Kiwi wine, homemade Italian tiramisu in a Melbourne backlane and witty company are still much more enjoyable than...well, than the alternatives I guess. I saved the draft of this entry, and was not sure when to let it out. But I think I must.

Times like these remind me of how strangely friends can be categorized in one's life. I don't nilly-willy let anybody into my life, EVER. But when they become a friend to me, I would guard them with my life. However, even the closest oldest friend can become an enemy. Even a closest oldest friend can distort your view of the truth, can undermine your feelings and make you wonder why you are still his/her closest oldest friend. Someone who once swore to watch your back for you, no matter what season, can turn on you. When that happens, it is hard to swallow. Amidst all the troubles that one already has to own, one suddenly has to deal with a trusted friend's betrayal.

Friend, you know who you are. You know I am talking about you. I am close to saying, "Please go.. please stop believing that you are doing all this for me. Please don't keep saying that I owe you. The truth is, we both owe each other nothing. Over the years, you have walked into and out of my life as you like. But you always remembered each time to remind me, of what an atrocious person I am. Of what I had done in my past life, and how that is why I will always owe you and your family.

I cannot stop. I cannot stop living because of what happened. It does not give you the right to have this hold on me. I will live with the guilt all my life no matter what happens. And I think you know this well.

Friend, you knew I was in trouble. But you did not help me. You made it worse for me. I defended you all the way, no..I took the blame all the way. I beseeched you not to meddle. Not to do funny things. But just as I was despondent, you felt you were..I don't know, did you feel you were exacting revenge, gaining ground or providing justice for me??

I am not five years old, and this is no schoolyard tussle. You need to remember this. I may one day regret writing all this, but I no longer want to hear from you, I no longer want the surprise visits, I no longer want to be your 'little sister'. Not unless you discover for yourself, that what you did was utterly wrong. Until then, I bid you adieu. As your brother always used to coldly say, 'Enchante...au revoir'.

A rare human(e) trait

To err is human.

So the saying goes.
But forgiveness.... ahhh. No religious arguments here please. But Christianity teaches us to forgive. It is surely not a natural human trait. It requires processing, digestion, humility and a tremendous ability to forget. Yes. There is a reason why it is called Forgive and Forget. After all, if the memory clings on to trespasses and wrongdoings, then the forgiving party would just be deluding themselves.

Many in this world would question their own ability to truely wipe the slate clean, start over or move on because memory is an intrinsic human characteristic. It rises of its own accord at times, but even those with a good memory can sometimes have a contorted view of the truth.

What is the truth then? The truth is, forgiveness is a wonderful capability to possess, because it requires not only bravado, but also an amazing willingness to 'let go'. However, gaining the trait of wholehearted forgiveness also means that one has to be able to forgive those who are unforgiving.

Yes, there will be those in this lifetime, who are incapable of forgiving or overlooking. A fact of life. There will be those who are unconscientious, who lie, who rob and harm.

But.

I forgive.

I am forgetting.

And soon, I shall set my mind free.